Embracing Islam … and Parents Who Object


Question:


I recently reverted to Islam after about 6 months of intense reading and attending Qur'an class (al-hamdu lillah). I hid all this from my parents only because I wanted to find out who I was first without them roaring up on me and telling me that this is not right. The day I took my Shahadah, I felt an immense release of weight on my body — it was as if it was all lifted from me and I couldn't help but cry. That night when I went to bed, I thought to myself, "I've held on to a firm hand — and that hand is of Allah." Allah has given me strength but just a couple of weeks ago, I shared my story with my parents. They are not pleased at all. They simply want me to follow what they follow (my parents are born Buddhists but don't follow the religion at all). They simply say that they're simple-minded people and there's no need for me to delve into religion and God. Society will condemn my parents (according to them) and they will never be able to live in peace should I decide to continue with Islam.What's sad is that they don't even want to discuss how I came to this juncture and decision — they simply want me to leave it, no reason given. Just do it. Today, my mom took away my scarf and prayer mat because she said that I can no longer pray in the house nor anywhere else. They've asked me to choose either parents or Islam, but both are important to me.I really thought maybe I should consider learning Buddhism and delve more into it because it'll make them happy, but I can't, I just can't abandon what I've found. Islam is too encompassing of all other teachings. Buddhism talks about cutting oneself off entirely from worldly things. Well, Islam tells us not to be attached to worldly things but at the same time, I don't have to abandon relations and living within a worldly life. Moderation. In addition, Buddhism doesn't even believe in God!How can I embrace that when I know in my heart that there is a Supreme Power (Allah)? I just feel that my love and spirit of Islam is being taken away. I've been praying and making du`aa' for my parents but they want an answer now. I don't want to leave the house and live independently (even though I work now and can support myself) because to me, that's simply pushing them further away from me. When I told them that Islam encompasses all the beautiful teachings you find in all world religions, they just simply didn't want to understand.They keep saying "you're Chinese and a Buddhist and no matter what you do, you'll die as a Buddhist." My dad stopped my mom a few years ago when she was getting into Daoism. He just doesn't want any of us to follow a particular religion. I told him I want to explore, he said I can do all the exploration I want but not embrace anything. Just look at it from far, admire it, and live your life. That sounds like such an empty life to me! They told me to stop praying the "Muslim way." Help!


Answer



Thank you for your question and for your confidence in writing to us for help in finding an answer.

The situation you find yourself in at the moment is certainly a very complicated one and is causing you a lot of pain. Before saying anything else, we must remember that Almighty Allah is in control of all things and is the Master of all situations and circumstances.

Our problem is often that we want to find answers to things that are totally out of our control. There is nothing that is outside the scope of His power and His mercy. That is why Muslims should never despair and that is why the answer to your problem is just waiting to be found.

We need to remember, in answering this question, that Muslims have the greatest respect and reverence for their parents. We listen attentively to what our parents have to say, and it is our duty to love and respect them.

This love and respect includes praying for them and placing them before Almighty Allah, asking Him to care for them. It could be that this situation is a way that will bring the whole family closer together and closer to Allah.

In preparing to answer your question, I asked myself what I would have said if your question were about giving up Islam against the wishes of your parents, rather than the other way around. In both situations, though, we listen to what our parents tell us and we weigh up their advice, but we have a duty to obey Almighty Allah, too, and this duty comes before all other things. It is this duty to Allah that should inform all the decisions we make.

You obviously took your preparations for embracing Islam very seriously, by reading and by attending Qur'an classes, so when you came to your decision to declare Shahadah, it was an informed decision. The tears that you shed reflect how Allah entered your heart after your mind had submitted to His mercy. Al-hamdu lillah.

Welcome to Islam!

The situation in which you find yourself now is complicated, but there are certain things we can point out that might help you know what to do. First of all, although you will always be indebted to your parents and will always listen to their advice, you are an adult and at an age when you can make decisions on your own.

The decision about how you continue to live your life is your decision alone. Others can advise and help and offer suggestions, but it is your choice. In life we all make choices and we have to live up to the consequences of the choices we make. You must decide your priorities and make your choice.

Second, there may be many reasons why your parents are objecting to your choice of Islam, but one of them could actually be a genuine, although unfounded, fear for your safety.

We all know how the television and newspapers present Islam as a religion of extremists and terrorists, and how our television screens present to us every day images of violence and bloodshed that claims to be in the name of Islam.

While we know that Islam is a religion of peace and, as you say, a religion of moderation, any parents would be worried if they thought their son or daughter was getting involved in anything that might cause them harm.

Similarly, your parents may be concerned that their friends and those around them might have the same sort of misconceptions about Islam and might judge them harshly for having a Muslim daughter.

You will not convince your mother and father overnight that Islam is both gentle and sweet, but you can begin to do so. Show them by the way you act and speak that you are still the same daughter they have always had. You have not become an extremist or a religious maniac, but have found great happiness and peace in your life.

Show them this by what you do. Continue to laugh and joke with them. Continue to show how much you love and respect them. Begin to teach your parents about Islam, not by preaching, but by living what you have come to believe.

It could be that in this situation you are being called to teach others about Islam. It may be that your taking religion seriously is very threatening to one or both of your parents, for whatever reason. Ultimately, this reason is quite out of your control. All you can do is to continue to show your respect for Buddhism and for what your parents believe, but very gently show them that what you believe does not mean you no longer love them.

In terms of having had your prayer mat taken away, this need not be the end of the world. In an extreme circumstance like this one, you can pray in any place that is clean, with or without a prayer mat.

In terms of not being able to pray in the house, you can pray at any time during the night or when the door to your room is closed. Similarly, you can pray when you are not in the house, either in a mosque or in a quiet place at your work. So there are ways in which you can fit in the five daily prayers without it becoming a major cause for arguments at home.

Perhaps the demand for an immediate answer now to a choice between your parents and Islam is an impossible choice that you cannot give them. Perhaps you need to continue quietly praying and carrying out the duties of your religion, but for the time being not making these a reason for discord at home. I don't mean you should keep your Islam a secret, but perhaps you can find ways that do not make it a reason for argument right now.

Maybe it is going to take some time before your parents come round to the idea of you being Muslim. It doesn't seem that it will happen immediately. So use this time to strengthen your own faith and to tell your parents very gently and very quietly by what you do and say, that Islam is not going to harm you or them. On the contrary, let them see how Islam has brought great goodness into your life.

Ultimately, the decision of what to do can only be made by you. Perhaps Almighty Allah is using this test to strengthen your faith and to use you as His instrument in telling others about Islam. At the end of the day, it is your life.

You may need to make some very difficult decisions some time in the future, which might even include having to move out of the family home. But if your parents have your best interests at heart — which you will know — they will come to respect whatever decision you make if you can show them that it is making you happy and is not going to harm any of the family members.

Many Muslims before you have been called upon to make heroic sacrifices. Many more, though, have been called upon to carry on living their lives quietly as good and faithful Muslim men and women, asking Almighty Allah to help them in all the circumstances of life.

May Almighty Allah strengthen your own Islam, help you to know more and more about what Islam is, and help you by your words and actions to draw others to Him.

I hope this answers your question. Please keep in touch.

Celebrating Christmas


Question: As-Salamu `alaykum, I am a new Muslim, for about 6 months now. I just was wondering; my parents still celebrate Christmas, they believe in God strongly but have no particular religion. Is it permissible to celebrate Christmas with them for their sake? They would be upset if I didn't come home and spend time with them on those days. My faith is unshakable. It is only for their sake that I would do that. Jazaka Allah khayra.
Answer

Salam, Sister.

Thank you for your question.

No Social Isolation

First of all, I need to welcome you to the fold of Islam. May Allah the Almighty help you get accustomed to this new life and abide by the rules of this religion, revealed to guide mankind.

Islam, dear Sister, does not demand that Muslims live in social isolation; rather it urges us to be interactive and proactive. Islam requires of every Muslim to be a good example and a means for Islam's light to reach others.

That is why we see that as it stretches its arm to embrace every newcomer, welcoming him/her to its fold, Islam covers that person with its radiating light. But it does not cut off his/her relations with others, i.e. with those who have not yet made up their mind or those who prefer to stay out of the Islamic fold. Rather, part of what makes one a true Muslim is to strive hard for the message of Allah to reach all people. But this should be done through good manners, wisdom and an approach using logic.

Human Relations in Islam

Before going further into this topic, I want to mention Islamic teachings about human relations. In addition to regulating how Muslims conduct affairs and relations with his fellow Muslims, Islam guides Muslims towards noble dealings and good conduct with people in general, without any kind of discrimination due to differences in faith or race.

A key part of this is the Muslim's relation with his non-Muslim family, relatives, friends, neighbors etc. He should deal with them on the basis of justice and righteousness.

Your conversion to Islam does not cut your family bonds, especially to your parents. Even if they happen to be non-Muslims, you still owe them rights of obedience and dutifulness. You must still care for them and pray for their guidance. You never know, perhaps Allah will make you the cause of their embracing Islam.

Thus, in the light of these teachings, renowned Muslim scholars have made it clear that being a Muslim does not mean that a person has nothing to do with his/her non-Muslim family or relatives, even if they turn hostile to him because of his conversion to Islam.

We need to strengthen our relations with all people for through this we will be able to reach out to them, conveying Allah's message and trying to make them understand Islam. This is based on the following Quranic verse which means:
*{God forbids you not, with regard to those who fight you not for (your) Faith nor drive you out of your homes, from dealing kindly and justly with them: for God loveth those who are just.}* (Al-Mumtahanah 60:8)

So this means that Muslims are allowed to share with non-Muslim their joyous occasions, wishing them happy holidays. You may even send greeting cards to your Christian friends, relatives or neighbors.

If they give you gifts, you should thank them and accept them with good cheer and should also remember them at the times of Islamic holidays. Therefore, there is nothing in Islam that prevents you from being with your family during Christmas, at least to show them that you are part and parcel of them even after your conversion to Islam.

You said that your family is partially religious, in the sense that they strongly believe in God. This means that they are likely to get attracted towards Islam. But maybe the only person that can do so is you, through the wise and calm methods you adopt in presenting your ideas.

Striking a Balance

However, I need to make it clear to you that you are not allowed to go beyond sharing your family's joyous mood of the feast, for you are not allowed to celebrate Christmas with them. You have to make them understand that your presence with them means a lot to you, yet you cannot return to old habits, like drinking and dancing. They should know you expect them to respect that.

Try to draw them to awareness that since you have chosen Islam as a way of life you must not do anything that contradicts the principles of your religion. You should be clear with your family that your attendance is in order to be with the family, that your belief in Jesus is firmly according to Islamic teachings and that, were it not for being with the family, you would not be doing anything special to mark Christmas day.

Sister, you are to know that as we deal with people, interact with them socially, we must never forget that we have our own unique identity. This identity means that we have announced our commitment to follow Allah's way and abide by His rules. Part of which, is not to mix anything alien to His Religion.

So, from this, scholars have deduced a juristic ruling that Muslims must not celebrate festivals or holidays that are for non-Muslims. They emphasize that Islam suffices Muslims.

So, there is no need for us to imitate others; our religion is comprehensive in itself and it embraces all that is good. So Muslims are supposed to be the model for others, not vice versa. This is based on the hadith of the Prophet (peace be upon him) in which he says:

"He who imitates others is reckoned as one of them." (Abu Dawud)

Your family may find this odd in the beginning, especially as it will be the first Christmas they will celebrate without you actively participating. But as time goes on, I am sure they will understand.

Your presence with them will also be valued in addition to sending them greeting cards and exchanging gifts with them. But you must make sure that the gifts you send do not amount to something forbidden in your religion, like wine, etc. Showing compliments and felicitation here, must not collide with the principles of your religion.

Islam tends to build a strong personality that would never sway by any circumstances. This point is very clear and renowned Muslim scholars are unanimous on it. For instance, read what Sheikh Yusuf Al-Qaradawi says here:

"This sheds light on mutual rights (between Muslims and non-Muslims). If a friend of yours from among the People of the Book tends to share your joyous occasions during your feasts and never fails to share your grief at times of calamities, then there is nothing wrong in you showing him the same feelings in return, for Allah Almighty says:

*{When a (courteous) greeting is offered you, meet it with a greeting still more courteous, or (at least) of equal courtesy. God takes careful account of all things.}* (An-Nisaa' 4:86)

But this does not mean that we should celebrate with them. What we are required to show, is part of righteousness and justice well established in Islam."

So sister, you see. Islam does not erect a wall separating you from your family. Rather, it lays strong emphasis on keeping good relations with them. This is especially with your parents, whom you owe dutifulness and obedience, as long as that does not involve disobedience to the Great Creator, Almighty Allah.

Actually, parents have a very special position that is stated in the Quran:

*{And We have enjoined on man (to be good) to his parents: in travail upon travail did his mother bear him, and in years twain was his weaning: (hear the command), "Show gratitude to Me and to thy parents: to Me is (thy final) Goal.
But if they strive to make thee join in worship with Me things of which thou hast no knowledge, obey them not; yet bear them company in this life with justice (and consideration), and follow the way of those who turn to me (in love): in the end the return of you all is to Me, and I will tell you the truth (and meaning) of all that ye did.}* (Luqman 31:14–15)

I hope this clarifies matters, sister.

Wishing you all the best, thanks and please keep in touch.

Salam.

Question:
Recently I have been getting very close to a very appealing Yemeni girl, here in North America. She's Sunni Muslim and has a very conservative outlook on life. This is although she doesn't wear a hijab, nor goes to the mosque. I like her a lot. I myself, however, was born from a Christian family, and strongly believe in a monotheist God. This is the same God identified as Allah. Recently, I asked her if she would consider marrying me. She said that if she said yes, I would have to convert to Islam. It seems a bit awkward. I have a hard time understanding how would it be possible to convert in order to believe in the same God! Yet, I am no stranger to Islam. I was fascinated by Islam since I was 15. I obtained an authentic Qur’an from a fellow student, who was Muslim. I also read a English-translation of the Qur’an and books on the subject. From my readings, I have begun to see the philosophical side of Islam that is very attractive. It is understandable why this faith is spreading… Yet, I find it somewhat a challenge to adopt the rituals full-time, when I am traditionally surrounded by non-Muslims. In fact, I often thought a Muslim was someone that believed absolutely in God's existence and influence in our lives. So, I ask: Would our relationship work and be permitted? Is it possible that we share the same God and differ only because we have been brought up with different teachers? Is such an intimate relationship encouraged? I would seriously want this relationship to workout, but at the same time I feel my relationship with God is very personal and fear that proclaiming I converted simply to be with this person would be superficial. I just feel it is important that I continue to learn more as I would never denounce the Islamic faith. If our relationship were to go forward, I would encourage that our children be educated fluently in the Qur’an and I would encourage them to make their own choice on faith. What should I do? Where can our relationship go?


Answer
Salaam Kesate,

Thank you for your question.

I sincerely hope my words would not offend you. This is because I need be frank with you and point out that being a Christian, you do not believe in the same One God, Who Muslims believe in. As a Christian, you must hold Jesus Christ (peace and blessings be upon him) as God.

In fact, from the Islamic point of view, you are committing shirk by doing so. Shirk means considering one of God’s creations as God, or at any rate worthy of worship. This, in Islam is a serious sin. This version of monotheism is in fact being a Trinitarian, not a Unitarian. Muslims do not consider it to be monotheism.

Secondly, what Islam stands for is unconditional submission to God. This means that anybody who does not order his life in accordance with the divine teachings, conveyed through the Holy Quran and sunnah (the example of Prophet Muhammad), is not a Muslim. Thus, dear brother in humanity, you are not a Muslim. The most important point here is that Islam does not approve the marriage of a Muslim girl to a non-Muslim, who does not submit peacefully and give himself totally to God, the Great Creator of existence.

Your contention that your relationship with God is a very personal one, does not work here; in your relationship with another person, who believes differently. Islam teaches that a person’s faith in God - if sincere - is expressed, not only in his private individual life, but also in his public social life. A Muslim, by definition submits peacefully, with total free will, to God, his/her Beloved Creator, in all areas of his/her life.

So, a Muslim has to submit his/her choice of food, clothes, morals, dealings with others etc. to the will of his/her Creator. He/she has to literally submit to God, in the sense that they have to kneel, prostrate and pray to God, out of a loving free will. Unless the person changes his/her life so thoroughly, as to be – really - constantly ‘struggling to surrender to the Beloved Creator - in the words of Dr Jeffrey Lang - this person is not a Muslim.

In fact, the word ‘ muslim’ in the Arabic language means ‘the one submits peacefully.’ It is related to the words salima (was given safety and peace) and salaam (peace). So muslim can finally mean ‘the one who submitted peacefully and reached safety by that submission’.

Your plan of teaching your children to be educated in Islam is a noble one. We know that it is mainly the parental influence, plus their education, that help our children make the future choices in life. As the father of your children, you have a responsibility to see that they choose a course of life that you believe is best for them.

For this purpose, you need not to be only teaching them, but also to be guiding and helping them to avoid pitfalls. But, once they become mature enough to think for themselves, they can be given the freedom to choose their course of life. Even here, in an Islamic society, the parents are anxious to see that their children do not go astray. Parents are not to “force” their children, but are to direct and advise them.

Now, let’s move to the point of conversion to Islam. In fact, according to the Islamic creed, every human is born a Muslim (peacefully submitting to God). This is in the sense that he/she follows the natural laws of God, which are often called ‘laws of nature’.

Since humans are creatures gifted with rationality and freedom of will, they have to willingly submit to God, as they attain maturity. This is what is required from you now. You are not really asked to convert to Islam, but simply to revert to Islam, your original natural religion. This is more a question of deliberate choice and change of attitude towards life, the world and existence, than “a change of your religion”.

All of us are greatly influenced by the world around us. After every important experience of life, like it or not, we change… This means that we are never the same again. In your case, you need to acknowledge that change formally and be a real Muslim, if you chose to do so. It is chiefly a question of practicing what you believe.

May God guide and help you and all of us take the wise and correct decision, always… at the earliest!

Thank you and please, if you have any other inquiries, do not hesitate to contact us.