Assalaamu Alaikum wa rehmatullahi wa barakatuh!
Bismillah hirrah ma nirra heem!
Being born into a Muslim family, I thought I had Allah Subhanahu wa ta’ala in my life. I loved reading Islamic literature, so I thought I knew everything about Islam. One day, a Christian guy asked me about my personal experience with God. I spent an hour and a half trying to explain Allah Subhanahu wa ta’ala to him, and all the while I never realized that I did not have Allah in my life the way He deserves to be.
We all have that indescribable heartbreaking pain deep inside of us. For you, this might not have come yet, but there is an underlying hurt, some unresolved inner conflict that makes your “heart” shed tears. This is the pain that will make your heart meet your Lord. That meeting will take place in sujood. It will feel as the first sajdah of your life, and when you raise your head, the agony will be gone. It will be replaced with clarity, the beauty of your Lord, the love of Allah azza wa jalla.
Everyone has a different type of pain. For me, that pain was childhood sexual abuse. Being an Asian, I never told anyone what I went through. I was 4 or 4 and a half years old then. My experience cultivated a mixture of good and bad events: childhood spent in isolation from classmates (due to no self esteem), achieving top honours in academics that people dream of, losing loved ones, and yet getting into my dream school only to find myself spending two years in depression. My life was truly a juggling act. I spent my life feeling impure, delving deep into more sins and mourning the loss of my childhood. Often I wanted to shriek out loud. I’d put my face into a pillow to hide the sound, yet nothing ever came out. I would go to bed crying. I would wake up crying. I cried a lot but I walked on this earth carrying three stones: my two eyes and one heart. Then came the time when a prick made me lose all hope. I was so busy digging into misery, but somewhere inside my heart I wanted to change myself. That is when that hidayat came from Allah.
A completely random stranger on Twitter gave me sound advice on how to make sujood (prostration). He/she said, “Don’t go to any counseling session. Humans are weak. Allah is the best therapist. After reciting SubhanAllahi wa bi hamdihi 3 times in sujood, pause for a minute. Then say everything to Allah.” I prostrated, but whilst bowing I knew my heart was filled with complaints. I’d spent past 16 years being angry at Allah Subhanahu wa ta’ala. Angry is a small word. I was furious, Astaghfirullah. All I ever did was ask “Why? Why me?” When I finally put my forehead on the ground what came out of my mouth was “Ya Allah! Its okay. I accept it. Its fine. I’ll bear it. It was your will. I don’t want to be that person anymore. Forgive me for what mistakes I made.”
When someone wrongs you in a way so bad that for a decade or more there is no light, please know that one day in your heart you’ll find a space big enough that you’ll be able to forgive them. Not only will you forgive and forget them inshaAllah but at moments it will please you that this happened to you, because of the lessons you learn from it. This is what happens when the Light of Allah will enter your heart. When you realize that it was the decree of Allah, no matter how tortuous, horrifying and pathetic the path might be, it will end beautifully as all roads lead to Allah.
This is what that special sajdah taught me, and if we open our hearts every sujood will teach us something. Never did the arrogance of my sins make me realize that I needed to repent. The knots that the devil has tied over our hearts doesn’t let us see the grievous sins we do. Until you take your hand out of that warm continuous handshake with devil, you wont have clarity. My Rubb (Allahu Akbar Kabeera) filled my heart so much that I forgave the man who stole my childhood and pushed me towards hell. Then I thought, “You gave me so much. Oh Allaah! I fully submit to Your will.” That was the moment my life was ready to be changed. What I was asking Allah Subhanahu wa ta’ala for, He had already given me by bringing it to my lips. Those were blessed moments when I felt Allah Subhanahu wa ta’ala taking me.
When you are tired of sins remember that Allah’s mercy can take you out of that disgusting pit. The things I thought I could never leave, I left them all in one day and never has my heart yearned for them again. I remember I used to repent. It was a daily battle because my tauba was missing that functional component: my trust in Allah Subhanahu wa ta’ala. I always thought to myself that I simply couldn’t leave it, but Allah made me leave them so beautifully that it’s now been four months and I feel like I have been this clean my entire life.
One sajdah. I repented for something else, and I got up and left all the television shows I always watched – those random seasons I waited for. That abaya that slipped from my life came with renewed intentions and an impulsive decision to wear a veil. I was the gossip queen. I was hard hearted. I feel as if I did everything wrong. Everything. Now, well, now I walk around contented. My hearts has become soft. I’m concerned for things and people that do not benefit me at all. That self centeredness and boisterousness has left me now. I am a perfectionist by personality but now I’ve realized that you cannot have perfection. Perfection is that zaat. Allah Kareem. Your perfection is in repentance. Your perfection is in humbleness.
We are all striving for that peace inside of us. That yearning for Allah Subhanahu wa ta’ala is so deep rooted that absent mindedly we are all looking for Him. And Satan, the delusionist, turns our ignorance about Ar-Rehman into stupidity by making us fall into sins. For a moment, close your eyes. Say His name, “Allaahhh,” as if He made you for this moment to say His name out of pure love. Pause. In that silence surrounding you, mayve you’ll think you don’t hear any response but I assure you, you’ll feel it. You’ll see it even if you have closed eyes.
Yes, you may be made from only a clot of blood and a sperm drop, but in the Creator’s eye you are “special”. Your worth is not in how much your Rubb has blessed you with in regards to bounties, wealth, that Gucci bag, or those designer clothes that you wear to look good. Those can become your sins, and Allah is your patience (As Saboor). But it (your worth) is the condition of your heart. The nafs that call only to do good…That state “will” come when the words of Adhan will break your heart. When the words of Allahu Akbar will make your eyes flood. Everyday when the sun rises, take the time to look at it. That sunlight you walk through, you better raise your head and take it in. Look at it! It’s the sun that goes from East to West and prostrates before Allah, and only when Allah Subhanahu wa ta’ala allows it does it rise from the East and set in the West. It does not know whether it will be allowed to rise or not, and you rely on that Sun, on tomorrow, which has no guarantee. You don’t know what you are losing by delaying your repentance. You may repent today or ten years later, but I hope from the core of my heart that these words stick with you somewhere in the depths of your conscience. The moment you realize you need Allah, the moment you start seeing Allah Subhanahu wa ta’ala, the moment when nothing but Allah matters to you, the moment the love of this world leaves, that will be the same moment your heart will bleed with regret. This will be regret of the years that are gone and the sujood that you missed. That time, wallah, it’s never coming back.
Today, watch your steps. Is you path leading you towards Allah Almighty or not? If not, stop. You are going towards hell. Turn to the “right” and move! Move! Even if it’s only an inch. Just have trust and move. If you take five minutes out for Allah, Allah will value them.
On the authority of Anas (May Allah be pleased with him), who said:
“I heard the Messenger of Allah Sal Allahu alayhi wa sallem say, ‘Allah the Almighty said: O son of Adam, so long as you call upon Me, I shall forgive you for what you have done, and I shall not mind. O son of Adam, were your sins to reach the clouds of sky and were you then to ask Me of forgiveness, I would forgive You. O son of Adam, were you to come to me with sins nearly as great as the earth and were you then to face Me, ascribing no partner to me, I would bring you forgiveness nearly as great as it.’ “
(At Tirmidhi)

When you stand for salah, forget time. Forget space. Forget your body. Forget everything, and remember Allah only. If your heart still wanders around, ask Allah Subhanahu wa ta’ala wholeheartedly to make your salah beautiful. Prefer salah over everything, and a time will come when you’ll look back and wonder in awe how your life has changed so much.
“Allah is the Guardian of those who believe; He takes them out of the darkness into the Light.”
(Surah Baqarah)

There is nothing, absolutely nothing, no feeling more breathtakingly beautiful, no relish in anything except knowing that you have Allah.
“And only in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find peace.”
(Quran)

As I walk, I look around – look for people who found Him. That joy! Wallah! Oh Allah Kareem! You are the Bestower! You made this life on earth as good as it can be for us. What Jannah do I want? All I want is that first glance on You. I raise my hands and I don’t know what else to ask for. I keep repeating to myself “I want You, Allah.” He inspires me, so unconsciously I make dua and slowly realize what I really ask Him for, and I put my hand on my heart and wonder whether this desire was there before. Love.
I have since lost touch with the Christian guy that catapulted me into the bright side of my journey. It breaks my heart to see him misguided, and to see him walking away from Allah. I want to ask him, “What are you doing? Come back to Him. He does fnot need you, but brother, He wants you. Wants YOU! Sounds unbelievable, doesn’t it?”
One tear…one regret…one moment…and Your Rubb is yours. I am the same person whose diaries and memories and feelings never made sense, but today this clarity amazes me. All praises belong to Allah. May these words make your heart shed tears and long for Allah. May the Almighty grant us all the highest eeman and end this time with martyrdom.
Assallam o Alaikum wa rematullahi wa barakatuh!